Sometimes I forget that I really should think about what I wrote before I posted it… It’s like saying stuff, you can’t really take it back once it is public.
I apologize for writing that side note in the last post. I felt uneasy about the way I was treated but I have no right to criticise. Why? Because I have no idea what the situation is like on your end. Simple as that. Without knowing, I shouldn’t make any judgement on people’s action.
As I troubled by headache and can’t seen to really get myself together to do much. I spent the day sitting around and hope the headache go away… Maybe I will take a pill but we will see.
“The Answer Man,” interesting movie indeed… thought-provoking for me, to say the least. Here are two quotes I want to share:
Kris Lucas: If God made everything, then why are some things bad? Like the whole pain and suffering thing…
Arlen Faber: Opposites. Without things that suck, you would have no idea what good was, and therefore be directionless. You smell shit, you walk the other way.
The balance of the universe… the shadow and the light… When one exists, the other would as well. I don’t think I would appreciate the life, the friends I have now unless I realize how much it would suck without them. Well, lesson learned. Most importantly, this one I need to remember.
Kris Lucas: Why can’t I do the things I want to do? There’s so much I know I’m capable of that I never actually do. Why is that?
Arlen Faber: The trick is to realize that you’re always doing what you want to do… always. Nobody’s making you do anything. Once you get that, you see that you’re free and that life is really just a series of choices. Nothing happens to you. You choose.
I found this is very brilliant, although I can’t 100% agree with it but I echo with part of the statement. We need to realize that we do a lot of things because we want to… We almost always have the choices. We need to understand a lot of things happened to us because what we choose.
A side note to a friend, I don’t know what your deal is but if you think this is how we should end things, so be it… I can’t be running after you while others friends who actually would appreciate have some time with me before I leave. Nothing against you but I thought this is not friends treat each other. Just saying 😉
I should be in bed because I should be up in 6 hours for some kayaking actions. However, I can’t fall asleep, not after what friends did for me. “Surprise me” a phrase I picked up from someone else, I really like the saying because it posts no restrictions for imagination. I did not use the phrase this time but I am certainly surprised. It was wonderful to see so many friends came out for me. I am glad that I was able to catch up with many of them and sad that I did not have enough time to talk to everyone. I realized how little time I really have to spend with those I care and there isn’t much I can do about it.
Truth can be cruel…
On the other note, got another 2 “proposal.” It feels weird… and to my surprise, I actually consider one of the two. I do not know if it is because I really do not want to leave or I really have some feeling for this girl. We have been through a lot lately… Maybe it is both. I do not know, I feel like I would be using the person for what I want.
I am sitting here, awake, and wonder… Is there anything I could have done differently? But I know that is not wise because thoughts like that isn’t going to change anything.
I have been going through a lot of emotions lately… I don’t think I have ever really felt this much sorrow about leaving a place. I felt a lot of sadness as I gave my boss my two weeks notice.
Went for a run and a walk today… Trying to gather my thoughts together. I realized that my reason of being sad is because I have made great friends here and I do not wish to leave. People often ask me: “where are you going to be?” and I often answer “wherever the job takes me.” Now I realized, that is not what I will really do. My answer from now on my answer will be “where my friends are.” I am a people person, I always have and I want to be with the people I care, especially the one I care the most. Now I understand why my mother decided to stay in Taiwan instead of immigrating to Australia. The same reason why I don’t want to leave Wisconsin.
Then I know… Leaving now is exactly the right thing to do. The sooner I get this thing out of the way, the sooner I can actually be free and be with the people I want to be with. I can drag on forever and hope I can just eventually escape but it would be so much pressure for me and everyone I care and knows. The thought of that made me calm down a lot more. I will make that next step for the future I wish for.
“When one door closes another one opens.” A quote I often reminded myself of… We all have setbacks in our life and I think it is what we pull ourselves together is the key to making the best of all situation. As I did not get accepted to the PhD program I wanted to, I started looking into options. At first, I have no tide to much and the world was there for me to pick, but now the story is a little different…
It is tough to make last minute decision especially when I am already not great at it to begin with. I need to remind myself that I really have nothing to lose. Oh yeah, I also haven’t told her because I was not sure if it is the right thing to do. It is what it is I guess. We will see on that.
Looking at UW-Milwaukee’s Education department. They have some interesting ones I really would enjoy being a part of. Maybe that is my other door that fate is sending me to. I have no idea why I did not search at first but I will make sure I have more than just one options. I can not make promise that I can not keep because my words is sometimes all I have for people to rely on and I need that to be on a good standing.
I felt a bit of sadness today as I am trying to grasp the whole picture. I think the main reason for it is because I finally found someone that I feel a connection to and would share so much with. Yet this would not be the same as I leave for such a long time. It is hard to find those people in life and I cherish the person… I would say perhaps 4 people in my life I would consider that to be the case and 3 are now so far away from me. I am about to lose one more… Stay strong and keep living, I will figure it out eventually!
I don’t exactly know how to act and what to do right now… My sister called me and told me that grandma is in the hospital right now and in a bad state. I have no exact idea of what the situation is. They want me to change my flight earlier but I don’t think that would be what grandma wants.
I really would rather that sister didn’t tell me the news because there isn’t all that much I could do thousand miles away other than feeling anxious and worried.
I feel that I still need to take care so much things here and I should live my life to the fullest. That is what grandma would want me to do. I feel that the life is just too unpredictable and we should tell people who we care how we feel. I think I should tell her how I feel for she has the right to know and not to worry about how much time is left. I really wish I would have met her earlier.